Excuse me for the direction this blog is veering in(as all my blogs do) but I'm an absolute failure.

Maths was horrible even though Lit was pretty okay. I failed. And no, I'm not exaggerating at all- I'd be lucky to even get 10 out of 35. I'm only sure of the answer to ONE, ONE EFFING QUESTION and then I'm not sure if my presentation's even correct. And for the rest of the questions, I never completed them. My mind just blanked out and I was sort of dazed after the paper, knowing I'd failed but for some reason I didn't feel devastated at all, just whiny. And after the paper, I went out with Hope, Sihan, Stella and Ly-shan. Still nothing, and I told myself to forget it since it was over. And after everything, still nothing.

But when I just got home, I called my mom and came clean about everything. I must have sounded like an idiot, shooting a thousand excuses into the phone. I studied for hours. I did all the quizzes. I attended so many remedials. I got 9/10 for the acelearning quiz. Which was all true, but my mom just said 'all that's water under the bridge. You're just showing me the same thing over and over again.' And then I kind of lost it and slammed the phone down.

ARGH. OVER AND OVER AGAIN EH. I KNOW I HAVE BEEN A FAILURE FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. I'VE ALWAYS MADE IT BUT STAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF MY GOALS. P3, I GOT INTO GEP, THEY SAID THEY EXPECTED IT. I CRIED. P5, I GOT INTO THE TWINNING PROGRAMME THING, I WAS HAPPY BUT THEY SAID 'GOOD IMPROVEMENT'. I CRIED. P6, I GOT 267 FOR PSLE AND GOT INTO RGS AFTER SOME LAST-MINUTE STUDYING AND HARD HARD PUSHING AND I WAS SO RELIEVED I CRIED, THEY SAY MY PSLE'S A MISTAKE NOW AND TELL ME TO LEARN FROM IT. I cried as well. I know I should learn not to cry anymore but I can't help it. I failed, I'm failing and I will always fail. Face it- I can't do anything. I'm stupid. I wish I looked stupider or something, then they wouldn't expect so much. I really want RA Lit so I'm trying for 3.6 in everything. But is that even possible when I've messed up my bloody whole Sec school life?! When I've messed up my bloody WHOLE LIFE?!

I don't know. They say if I don't get a scholarship into University, I won't get to go overseas. Then I obviously can't chase my passions. Then obviously I'll end up a failure. Which I already am. I can't even do Maths well. I'm sure I remembered everything I was taught during the remedials. I did study, I DID! Maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I'm just dumb. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I want to die but only cowards kill themselves. ARGH. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!! I wish I could just disappear. I hate Maths so much. I'm not even thinking clearly now. I swear I did try, but the paper was just too difficult. Oh look now, I'm even bloody making excuses. What a fool.

Sorry, in a few hours I'll probably become the happy idiot who fails at everything yet is contented with it again. I really hate myself. Luckily there's only one of me in the world.