Excuse me for the direction this blog is veering in(as all my blogs do) but I'm an absolute failure.

Maths was horrible even though Lit was pretty okay. I failed. And no, I'm not exaggerating at all- I'd be lucky to even get 10 out of 35. I'm only sure of the answer to ONE, ONE EFFING QUESTION and then I'm not sure if my presentation's even correct. And for the rest of the questions, I never completed them. My mind just blanked out and I was sort of dazed after the paper, knowing I'd failed but for some reason I didn't feel devastated at all, just whiny. And after the paper, I went out with Hope, Sihan, Stella and Ly-shan. Still nothing, and I told myself to forget it since it was over. And after everything, still nothing.

But when I just got home, I called my mom and came clean about everything. I must have sounded like an idiot, shooting a thousand excuses into the phone. I studied for hours. I did all the quizzes. I attended so many remedials. I got 9/10 for the acelearning quiz. Which was all true, but my mom just said 'all that's water under the bridge. You're just showing me the same thing over and over again.' And then I kind of lost it and slammed the phone down.

ARGH. OVER AND OVER AGAIN EH. I KNOW I HAVE BEEN A FAILURE FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. I'VE ALWAYS MADE IT BUT STAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF MY GOALS. P3, I GOT INTO GEP, THEY SAID THEY EXPECTED IT. I CRIED. P5, I GOT INTO THE TWINNING PROGRAMME THING, I WAS HAPPY BUT THEY SAID 'GOOD IMPROVEMENT'. I CRIED. P6, I GOT 267 FOR PSLE AND GOT INTO RGS AFTER SOME LAST-MINUTE STUDYING AND HARD HARD PUSHING AND I WAS SO RELIEVED I CRIED, THEY SAY MY PSLE'S A MISTAKE NOW AND TELL ME TO LEARN FROM IT. I cried as well. I know I should learn not to cry anymore but I can't help it. I failed, I'm failing and I will always fail. Face it- I can't do anything. I'm stupid. I wish I looked stupider or something, then they wouldn't expect so much. I really want RA Lit so I'm trying for 3.6 in everything. But is that even possible when I've messed up my bloody whole Sec school life?! When I've messed up my bloody WHOLE LIFE?!

I don't know. They say if I don't get a scholarship into University, I won't get to go overseas. Then I obviously can't chase my passions. Then obviously I'll end up a failure. Which I already am. I can't even do Maths well. I'm sure I remembered everything I was taught during the remedials. I did study, I DID! Maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I'm just dumb. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I want to die but only cowards kill themselves. ARGH. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!! I wish I could just disappear. I hate Maths so much. I'm not even thinking clearly now. I swear I did try, but the paper was just too difficult. Oh look now, I'm even bloody making excuses. What a fool.

Sorry, in a few hours I'll probably become the happy idiot who fails at everything yet is contented with it again. I really hate myself. Luckily there's only one of me in the world.

hello there, today I shall try to write in verse.
lately I have been attempting to do some work
but since I'm the biggest slacker in the Universe,
my plan to do work has proved to be an useless jerk.

I am merely wasting more time making this post,
but what else can I do while my brain slowly defrosts
from its malfunction-mode, oh no-this is the worst!
my blog has but less than a full hundred posts.

please don't bother to read this if you're sane,
because I have obviously been very affected
from reading strange books in the gloomy rain
like Alice in Wonderland, the greatest thing invented.

what on Earth I am doing, I cannot justify.
the world is a strange place and we are no better.
perhaps I should get to my work right now, aye?
since work is what brings the food onto one's platter.

HARLO MY DEAR READERS(regardless of whether you exist or not),

your dear friend here will now attempt to do her homework. And finish mugging some geog and writing commonwealth essay and doing one acelearning quiz and writing history essay by today. OH AND NOT TO FORGET DRAWING THE WITCH AND THE FAIRY FOR THE EL PT AND ALSO THE MAIN PLAN FOR THE ADVERTISEMENT. O)_(O For this is the eyebaggy face of a typical RGS girl which will slowly be restored during this short 7-day rest. Provided she does not stay up really late, relishing the joy of pressing a few buttons and defeating some cyber-monsters or growing magic trees. :D I don't expect you to know what I'm talking about, but I should stop playing so much because the horrible exams are coming. GAAAH.

And yes, sometimes I still wish we could all be frozen in a random year from P4 to P6 FOREVER and life would be so much fun-er. D: BUT WE MUST BE HAPPY WITH THE PRESENT!!! CARPE DIEM!!!

And now I shall try to do what I promised to do. Ack.

Today, I woke up at 4. I dreamed that the premature chick we found on Thursday was alive and well, and it had grown up to be a bird and it flew past us and we said goodbye to it. Just like in one of those cheesy compre passages. It felt so real, I thought it was. Since I'm a person with very little distinction between reality and imagination.

When Percia came home today, she said she went to check on the chick at the place where we left it. It had died for real. Ants were attacking it and its head was all mashed up. I don't know how long I sat there, frozen, trying to comprehend that it WAS dead. And maybe we should have taken it home and fed it, even if Pa said not to let 'that bloody disgusting thing come into my house, I warn you'. It would probably have survived then.

Maybe my dream was a way of comforting myself, of satisfying myself and telling me I'd done enough. A fallacy.

Or maybe it was a sign that the chick had gone on to somewhere better because it had received our prayers for that short bit of its poor life.

I'm not sure about anything anymore. I feel like I killed it. I feel like a really terrible person. I don't know. I'm not sure if I even want to know.

Why am I such a freak?!

Today before I went to school at 1pm, I saw a pink thing on the floor before the lifts. Because I live in a HDB flat, it's natural for people to be inconsiderate and throw their rubbish all around and stuff. So I just ignored it, but then I saw it move. Then I thought 'maybe it's the wind' and continued to ignore it, but I had a little suspicion it was a living being. But of course I ignored everything and moved on, being the selfish person I am. I just hoped it would go away when I got back.

Then at about 7.30, Percia(my sis) came home and she looked really scared and asked me if I saw the chick crying. I freaked out and said 'WHAT CHICK?' and she told me that there was a pink, hairless little chick lying on the ground before she went off for tuition. And when she came back, it was in the gutter at the side of the pavement before the lift and she freaked out after taking one look at it. Then I realised what I should have known far earlier- that little pink thing WAS A CHICK. It had been moving and struggling since I had left, for over two hours until Percia went for tuition. She said it wasn't moving when she came back. I obviously thought it was dead, and it was all my fault for not noticing.

But later on, I went out with Percia to see the chick because there was a small chance it wasn't dead and we could help it somehow. We didn't know how but we just thought we could try. Maybe it was foolish but I'm sure when you decide to do things like that, you usually don't think, do you? So we did go out and we saw it there, lying in the gutter. We're both afraid of dead things, so we didn't go closer and didn't even dare to look at it. We met Pa who was just coming up from parking the car, and he took one look at the chick and said 'It's gone. For a long time too, there's nothing we can do.' And then he went into the house. But Percia and I stayed. We didn't believe it was dead because we didn't want to, maybe. But I thought that since the little thing had enough fighting spirit to last two hours in the harsh sun, it couldn't be gone. Then Percia and I, for some reason or other, began to say a prayer and hoped it would somehow help the animal. Somehow.

When it didn't move and seemed to stay there, we both went back into the house, sort of giving up. There was only so much we could do and so much we could try, right? Wrong. We knew it wasn't enough to leave things like that, so we decided we'd go out after dinner and bury it because at least it wouldn't get abused when it was already dead. And it had been a strong young thing. So we asked Ma and she said we could.

After dinner, Percia and I went with our maid, Sri, to pick the chick up and bury it. Sri's not afraid of dead animals unlike us, so she said she'd help us. She picked it up and went down first, while we followed behind. Then we went downstairs and Sri stayed at a side with the chick while the two of us dug a hole in the soil near the multi-purpose hall.

Then it happened. Sri started telling us something, but we couldn't make much of her broken English until she said 'alive' and we turned to look at her. WHAT? She showed us the chick we were so afraid of looking at and told us it had just moved. We dropped the shovel and went over, not afraid anymore since it wasn't dead. (yes I know, maybe the fear was psychological) And it WAS alive. It twitched just the faintest bit, and it was curled up in a foetal position. I saw it clearly for the first time and I found out it was a premature baby, a mere embryo maybe. But by some miracle, it had fought for seven hours under no warmth or protection- and it had LIVED. We huddled over the chick and prayed and prayed and prayed. It twitched and its fragile wings batted just a bit, giving us more hope and more signs that it did indeed want to live on.

Later on, we decided it was best to go up and tell Ma and Pa about the chick. So we did, and Pa sort of got angry at us for making such a big deal of it. But I guess any normal person would, because we must have seemed like fools caring so much about one small thing. I don't know how long we stodd there and prayed or how long Ma tried thinking of various solutions, but in the end we decided we'd leave it under a tree in a remote part of the park, near the walkway though where invasive species weren't likely to go. Sri brought it down and we all went in, still thinking of the chick.

I'm not particularly trying to bring anything across with this. I'm just amazed that such a little bird could have fought on for so long. Eight whole hours is a long time, isn't it? (since an hour or so passed after we knew it was alive) But to a bird, it's even longer. They have shorter lives than us, far shorter. But yet that chick fought on for what could be months to a human like one of us. You never really know how precious life is until you're being forced to give it up. That chick was born at the wrong time. Maybe it was abandoned by its mother, maybe it was dropped accidentally. But it was put in the wrong part of the world too. Not in the wild where maybe other birds might take it in, but in the open pavement where it could be kicked by some terrible person(I think that's why it ended up in the gutter). The next time I think life's unfair, everyone hates me and I want to kill myself or something, I'll think about this. And I'll never ever say those comprehension passages about hardworking spiders rebuilding their webs are stupid and cheesy, never.

Because I witnessed a miracle today.

So as long as you live, maybe you're important to another person. No, not maybe. You ARE. If that chick survives to become a big bird, Percia and I will definitely be happy, and so will its future spouse and children. Next time you ever doubt life's preciousness, just remember the chick that fought eight hours without giving up. Remember that you'll break someone's world apart if you disappear. And I swear it's all true.