Yes, so last night she said she'd talk everything out and face whatever it was. I don't know what rubbish happened but instead of all the talking and whatnot, they just locked themselves in the room(goodness knows what they did) and today they're all lovey-dovey again. Wow.

Then today I got snapped at 'bloody ungrateful kid', yada yada yada. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I guess it's kind of stupid that the tears still come, right? Maybe I was hoping for a change. Maybe I kind of reveled in the trust I got from both of them when they didn't have each other to lean on. Only now do I discover I am truly insignificant.

I can only hope their lust/love/pretense/peace/whatever is permanent and this is a long-term resolution. But for now, back to being ignored, to being blamed, to only speaking to each other for minutes everyday, to never even getting to complain about family outings because, well, THEY DON'T EXIST. Back to me complaining and being a selfish git. I really, really, really want to stab my horrible self. Urgh. No wonder I feel half the world hates me all the time- maybe I'm just rotten inside. I don't know. I'm a lie. I'm a... I don't even know anymore.

I just pray that nobody reads this old blog. Or maybe I'm craving attention. I don't know. Again. Again. Again. My mind whirls in all directions until everything merges into a mess.

The house is overrun with the smell of liquor again. He speaks of adopting kids and leaving us alone. He says she's been lying to us all this time- who do I believe?

But I'm not scared, nor do I think I'm unlucky. Everything happens for a reason and I have so many people I love- and maybe they love me back too. I'm just going to sleep with my sister now- we've done the dishes and eaten a nice supper.

I'll get on with my own life and delight in my own things- we will. The adults who don't mean what they say, the adults who all touch us lovingly and caress us and whisper sweet nothings of parental love- screw them all. I'm fine, I am.

I wish he would stop complaining about everything and anything.

I wish he would stop telling us about how he has to go through so much every day, and stop complaining about how he has to struggle back home. I wish he’d stop taking her concern for granted and dismiss her as an anxious, pestering hag who called him thrice in two hours just for her own convenience.

I wish he would ask himself- would we do that for convenience? CONVENIENCE? If we wanted bloody convenience, we would have just dumped all his food into a wooden bowl and let him eat off the floor. Then maybe he’ll just say the same things over and over again- you didn’t spare a thought for me, didn’t think of my hard work, didn’t care about your husband/father enough to ask him if he was tired.

What’s the use of even trying if he’ll only insult everyone over and over again? He thinks he’s always right. In this place, he’s always right. If anyone dares try to prove otherwise, they’ll get abuse rained on them. Too bad it doesn’t work on me. I can only pretend it does since if I don’t, he’ll make it worse.

Fine, so maybe his apologies do contain some truth about him being impulsive and all. But it gives him no right to treat his decade-old marriage like it’s nothing just because he knows she loves us too much to back out. It does not give him the right to give her the same bunch of roses as any other year and the same card, except last time it was something she’d look forward to. It gives him no right to plant a robotically fake message in the card she would otherwise treasure. It gives him no right to just dump the cake on the table and go upstairs and sleep without doing anything for her birthday.

I swear if nothing was right or wrong and if I got my way, I’d quit school and work and take everyone away from him, but it’s perfectly alright- all of this. It has only taught me one thing- there is no such freaking thing as romantic love. Marriages are a lie. Platonic love, however, is not. I love my mother. I love my sister. I love my friends. I generally love the people in my life.

It really sucks that you can’t even love the person you used to love most for your entire life now when you can like almost everyone else. I miss the man my father used to be.

So I found this really strange oxymoronic poem on Wikipedia. :O And I thought I'd post it here.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,

One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man; he saw it too!

Every line contains an oxymoron. Now I shall leave you to slowly make sense of it- or make nonsense. :D HOW FUN.

Ah. Dance was horrible but I guess I soooort of got it... SORT OF. And music was so nice- The Hall of the Mountain King! (I think) and the nice song about the dying bird passing her wings, heart and ears and everything to the bird and then the bird passing them down to his son... :3 It's sad that life will end one day and all the people you know and treasure now will die too, and some of them before you. So you've got to treasure what you've got. And live life to the fullest, yada yada. I know it sounds cliched but lots of amazing values are always cliched. ^^;

And so yesterday night my CCA went to watch HOMEBOXES! It's an amazing, AMAZING show by Paper Monkey and it's about life. And the family stuff going on in a few people's lives. It's set in the eighties and in Singapore and is full of amazingly real stuff like westernised university students and people being shunned for studying art. I think i could relate to it because one of the characters got into NUS but she decided to quit university and become an actress instead- which of course, her father cannot condone because she's the only one smart enough for uni in the whole family. Sounds a bit familiar, yes. XD

I'm currently not in the mood to write because, well, a lot of things have been going on at home to be truthful. But I guess everything will pass as it once did. Or it'll all end. I dunno. I'm just glad for school and friends and life's wonderful distractions from all the horrible things.

ARGH. I have this horribly annoying cut on my hand, right between my third and fourth finger. Since I have great resistance to pain, it obviously doesn't hurt but it keeps splitting open again whenever I move my hand the slightest bit too much. T_T So I taped it together with duct tape since my house has run out of plasters... I know you must think I'm kind of mad but it's better than having blood dripping down every time you try to type a proper sentence on the computer, right? >_<

Oh well. I have run out of words. I have also come to believe that there's no such thing as romantic love. At least not for me. But platonic love is possible and highly so, I'm sure. But being the sort of person I am, I'll probably continue to delude myself with happy shoujo manga and dramas with gentle couples and happy, together, loving parents. :3

Gosh I sound like I'm emo. But nobody ever reads this blog anyway(I think?) so I shall just write whatever I want. Hehehehe.

alright, this is a description of my day in raw words. I will use short sentences. please do not ask me why I am doing this. thank you.

I got up at 6.10am. I felt sleepy. took the bus. got to school just on time. silly traffic light.

we got new seats. my partner is le win. we chatted nicely. I like the new seats. even if I'm near the front door. I forgot all my homework again. next time I must remember. I feel less weird than yesterday. but less hyper too. thought I was in a thoughtful mood.

first lesson was physics. mr singh made many errors. but it was funny. SI units are confusing. mr singh fell into the box at the doorside. the lesson ended well. all we did was go through a paper. I answered the easiest question and got it right. I am not smart and not dumb. so I enjoyed the air con and waited for the next lesson.

next lesson was geography. we watched cute chinese girls go to their new american parents on TV. I think where you grow up changes how you look a little. the grown-up girls all looked sort of pretty and happy. it was touching except that it ended with an advert about whales. I think I will like population studies. lee kuan yew is so old but so magic.

then came english lit. I still can hardly tell which is lit and which is lang. miss santhi did not let us continue with shakespeare in love because of the ahem parts. I have it at home. we had to do a presentation on the amazing elizabethan era. our group got religion. I pity the poor people burned on the stakes as witches. people then were mad and a lot more simple minded. but today they are also a lot less kinder sometimes. pros and cons maybe.

then recess broke in and I borrowed a book called the GOD delusion. it's by an atheist. it's supposed to be very insightful but I shall see about that. the cafe sells nice two-dollar hotdogs. after recess the period was about the same as the last.

then was cle. miss tong told us a lot about herself. it was emotional. we re-watched the living years song. well, for RGPS people at least. it's scary how every inspirational thing we did in RGPS seems to be re-manifesting in RGS. plain scary. maybe the teachers are in cahoots. I love my father a lot but I think we're not close enough. I'm freaked out that he's a man. I know this is plain scary but I wish I had two mothers. maybe I'm just scared of males. yuck.

then I went home and later for tuition.

we had a replacement teacher and I miss my usual teacher. she teaches okay but she is kind of mundane. replacement teacher, that is. she called me a nincompoop for smiling at her randomly. I was daydreaming. half the class doesn't know what nincompoop means but they don't read this blog. so I need not say no offense since that is an unwritten truth. I got lost on the way to tuition again. don't ask why.

then I went home. I bought bubble tea with no pearls at the plaza. the enjoyment was reduced by half. next time I will buy just one a week, not two. but I'll leave the pearls in. I got lost on the way home. I think I will have alzheimer's when I get old. I'm scared because my sense of direction and balance seems to be getting worse. I always look stupid. and so I walked three rounds around an unknown hdb estate. I was passing under this block when I nearly bumped into a malay schoolboy. he looked at me skeptically and then a slipper fell with a huge thud just an inch away from me. I wonder what would have happened had it fallen on my head. moral: never walk under hdb flat windows. I looked up but the person was gone so I just walked away. the boy who was still there must have thought I was mad for not reacting normally. maybe I am. whatever.

then I exited that flat cluster and walked home the long roundabout way. a million questions popped into my head because maybe the night sky was so poetic. why do people wear headphones when they jog? won't they fall off and not concentrate due to the music? why did that person and that person just look at me straight in the eye and hold eye contact for seconds then go away? why does everyone do that and feel awkward? why do some hdb flats have red lights on top of them? why is singapore's sky so cloudless? why does the sky change so fast at night but not in the day? why are there many more disabled people around nowadays?

I remember seeing two apsn people being stared at in the bus. they were nice and friendly and smiled at me even if I didn't know them and they didn't know me. I wish everyone was like that. I know I'm mean but I think they're lucky to be like that. to smile and dance and laugh and run and nobody will think you strange because of the tag you have on your neck. to not care what people think. I saw four old people in wheelchairs or with strokes on the way home. never so many before. it's sort of sad.

then I bumped into the bus-stop pole and a man who was with his little daughter stared at me. I felt stupid but I kept walking. then I went to the lift, passing by an old lady in a wheelchair who was moaning about something. I remembered what miss tong said about old people being ashamed of going out like that so I pretended not to see anything.

then I went upstairs and said hi to my sis and came to the computer and started typing all my swirling brainjuice into this blog.

congrats if you made it to the end. I was just hit by an impulse to get everything here so again, don't ask why I did this.

thank you. geog aa time.

Excuse me for the direction this blog is veering in(as all my blogs do) but I'm an absolute failure.

Maths was horrible even though Lit was pretty okay. I failed. And no, I'm not exaggerating at all- I'd be lucky to even get 10 out of 35. I'm only sure of the answer to ONE, ONE EFFING QUESTION and then I'm not sure if my presentation's even correct. And for the rest of the questions, I never completed them. My mind just blanked out and I was sort of dazed after the paper, knowing I'd failed but for some reason I didn't feel devastated at all, just whiny. And after the paper, I went out with Hope, Sihan, Stella and Ly-shan. Still nothing, and I told myself to forget it since it was over. And after everything, still nothing.

But when I just got home, I called my mom and came clean about everything. I must have sounded like an idiot, shooting a thousand excuses into the phone. I studied for hours. I did all the quizzes. I attended so many remedials. I got 9/10 for the acelearning quiz. Which was all true, but my mom just said 'all that's water under the bridge. You're just showing me the same thing over and over again.' And then I kind of lost it and slammed the phone down.

ARGH. OVER AND OVER AGAIN EH. I KNOW I HAVE BEEN A FAILURE FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. I'VE ALWAYS MADE IT BUT STAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF MY GOALS. P3, I GOT INTO GEP, THEY SAID THEY EXPECTED IT. I CRIED. P5, I GOT INTO THE TWINNING PROGRAMME THING, I WAS HAPPY BUT THEY SAID 'GOOD IMPROVEMENT'. I CRIED. P6, I GOT 267 FOR PSLE AND GOT INTO RGS AFTER SOME LAST-MINUTE STUDYING AND HARD HARD PUSHING AND I WAS SO RELIEVED I CRIED, THEY SAY MY PSLE'S A MISTAKE NOW AND TELL ME TO LEARN FROM IT. I cried as well. I know I should learn not to cry anymore but I can't help it. I failed, I'm failing and I will always fail. Face it- I can't do anything. I'm stupid. I wish I looked stupider or something, then they wouldn't expect so much. I really want RA Lit so I'm trying for 3.6 in everything. But is that even possible when I've messed up my bloody whole Sec school life?! When I've messed up my bloody WHOLE LIFE?!

I don't know. They say if I don't get a scholarship into University, I won't get to go overseas. Then I obviously can't chase my passions. Then obviously I'll end up a failure. Which I already am. I can't even do Maths well. I'm sure I remembered everything I was taught during the remedials. I did study, I DID! Maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I'm just dumb. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I want to die but only cowards kill themselves. ARGH. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!!! I wish I could just disappear. I hate Maths so much. I'm not even thinking clearly now. I swear I did try, but the paper was just too difficult. Oh look now, I'm even bloody making excuses. What a fool.

Sorry, in a few hours I'll probably become the happy idiot who fails at everything yet is contented with it again. I really hate myself. Luckily there's only one of me in the world.